The Twelve Great Labours of Hercules
by The Grey Coincidence
Summary: Hercules was awesome, right? Totally awesome? WRONG! At the end of the day, the stories of his myths were vastly more epic than the true events. The following are the true events.
1. Another Quest

Chapter One: Setting Out

"And then I asked to see her best melons, and they threw me out! I swear they're just prejudiced against fauns!"

The speaker was a tall and slender man, his hair a glorious bush of brown ringlets. His skin was olive and his eyes hazel. He was perfectly ordinary, save for the fact that he had the lower half of a goat.

His name was Raipicus.

He was a born and bred Athenian, whose parents were travelling minstrels and left him in the great city, visiting occasionally to check on their only son.

Cleon nodded vigorously as he chewed on a slab of hay. He had once been forced to dance in a labyrinth (for the people who got lost of course). Until he had charged through the entire thing chasing butterflies. Somehow he had ended up in Athens and Raipicus' parents had allowed him to live with them. "People outside of Athens are so racist." The minotaur said. "I walked into a barn to buy some hay, and everyone just ran away from me! I swear I bathed this morning."

Cleon was tall and burly and black-furred. Dressed plainly in a simple white tunic and kilt. He was also vegetarian. But very, very, VERY strong!

Then Hercules burst in on the pair of them. He looked determined. "We're leaving!" He announced with pride.

"Where?" Both asked in bored tones, Hercules said they were leaving every fortnight. It was always for the same reason. To prove that he was the son of Zeus himself.

"We are going to visit the hermit! We are going to find out how I can prove to my dad and everyone else, that I, Hercules, am the son of Zeus himself!" The towering blonde assumed a heroic pose. "Then when I have proven myself I will return to Athens and watch as everyone bows in awe and admiration!"

Raipicus was just as confident, and pounced onto his feet. "Alright! Let's gooooo!" He placed his fists in front of him and raced out the door at the speed of lightning.

Hercules grinned widely. "Yes! To glory!" And he too raced out the door.

Cleon sighed and followed afterwards. He was certain they'd be back in an hour.

* * *

One hour later...

* * *

CleonCleon was sweating from the effort of keeping up with his two more hyperactive friends as they approached the hut of Stoopeedoakus the Wise.

"Can you slow down?" Cleon panted.

"No! A son of Zeus never tires!" Hercules exclaimed, waving a fist.

Raipicus collapsed. "I'm exhausted."

"You fools! My father would be embarassed if he could see us now!"

"Hey, Hibiscus ain't a marathon runner either!" Raipicus pointed out.

Hibiscus was an old farmer who lived in the outskirts of Athens. He and his wife Penelope, had raised Hercules as a son ever since they had found the infant falling from a bolt of lightning, and had then protected him from man-eating bats that desired to devour him. Naturally they had fallen in love. But Hercules, with his bulging muscles and golden hair, had always thought himself greater than 'a farmer's son' and the bolt of lightning only inflated his monstrous ego.

"I meant my REAL father! Zeus! King of Mount Olympus!" He struck a heroic pose.

"Riiiiiight." His two companions said

The muscled blonde crossed his arms over his chest, before glaring at the two. "You'll believe it when I prove it to you. Just like everyone in Athens! Where do you think my freakish strength comes from?"

"Hercules, you lift weights in your sleep-"

"And only a son of Zeus could do such a thing!"

Cleon frowned, and readied an argument, but was interrupted by the faun.

"It's fine! You're Zeus' son, we get that. Now let's go to Stoopeedoakus!"

Hercules smiled smugly. "I foresaw that you would realize my position. This is another one of my powers as the son of Zeus!"

"Riiiiiight."

"Of course."

"If you say so Hercules."

And so they continued, to endless adventures.

Thus the vain blonde, Hercules. The burly bull Cleon and the ordinary faun Raipicus, set out on an adventure that would eventually fade into myths. Though the myths were somewhat more epic than what actually happened...

* * *

 _Footnote: Six stories? Really Grey? Well Back in the Day is on hiatus and the Heist is nearing it's end (just a smidge over halfway). Really it's just my mind racing everywhere. What can I say, I'm motivated to write a lot, and I have got a lot of time for it._

 _That said this and Irony In Flight (in which I try a WHOLE new writing style) are not serious fics, okay? This is a parody of Greek Myths and that is a parody of fantasy in general. If both feel out of place on my Archive then well... Yeah they are. I can't promise greatness from either, but just read it anyways XD_

 _Enjoy and Update soon._


	2. The Labours Begin

Stupeedoakus lived far out of the Athenian metropolis, in the middle of a dense jungle. If the author was bothered, you would have received several pages worth of description. But the author was not bothered and decided Hercules' story was more interesting than the jungle anyways...

"Damn, this jungle is so huge. The trees reach out like hands trying to touch the sun. The walls of green surround me from all sides. There are innumerable fruits, like mangoes and melons, that dangle in front of me, setting my taste-buds alight as drool slips from my mouth. Oh, how round and soft they look! The roots spring up like cruel feet trying to trip me up, but I am not so clumsy as to trip on any of them! ;)."

"What on earth did you do to your face?!" Cleon yelled. "And why are you giving worthless exposition about what this jungle looks like, it's not like anyone cares. Right Hercules?"

Hercules, meanwhile, was busy describing the glories of the flowers. "These flowers bloom as blue as the sky, and release scents as sweet and as pleasing as honey. Bees buzz joyfully from one bud to another, tasting the nectar of each flower. As the Son of Zeus, tis my duty to protect all creatures, so this Venus Fly Trap, equipped with cruel spines with which to pierce small animals, must be uprooted, and re-dug somewhere where no insects fly."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! You're all being poetic!"

"Cleon, what's wrong? You scream like you are being possessed by the demon of coconuts-" The minotaur smacked Hercules across the face, knocking poetry out of him. "Geez, thanks. For a second I thought we were going to be speaking like this for the rest of the story."

Raipicus too breathed a sigh of relief. "I really don't know what came over me either. Let's hurry out of this jungle before we get turned into echoes or something."

The three hurried quickly away, turned around a huuuuuuuuuuge oak tree, and found themselves peering at the cottage of the Wise One.

"Right." Said Hercules, clicking his neck and prepping himself for what was certainly going to be extremely, very good advice.

"Um... I don't think it's a good idea if we all go..." Cleon began. "I mean... last time..."

 _*Flashback*_

 _The naked old man waved his crooked stick at him from his rapidly-sinking boat. "I'll get you, you bloody cow! I'll stew you in beef like... BEEF!"_

 _*Flashback*_

"Yeah Cleon, maybe you should stay here." Hercules agreed. "Raipicus, together we shall-"

"I'm not going in there. Remember last time?"

 _*Flashback*_

 _"Wooooow girl you've got some huge-ass melons. But your man's got a small cock out in the backyard. Do you see where I'm going with this?"_

 _*Flasback*_

"I don't know why they thought I was telling them to break up, all I wanted to know was whether they were vegetarian or not."

"You're right. Only I can face Stupeedoakus and not incur his wrath. Wait here, good friends!" Hercules charged forwards, tripped, and rolled all the way to the door. Picking himself up like only a Son of Zeus could he knocked on the door three times, causing the whole thing to fall forwards at the feet of a hunch-backed old man with a beard that reached down to his feet, and so many wrinkles his face looked like it had been folded over several hundred times. "Stupeedoakus! Oh Wise One, I have come to you-"

"To find a quest to prove yourself as a Son of Zeus." The old man said in a bored tone. He got this literally every week.

"You truly are wise, for you could foresee my purpose. Please, give me a way to prove myself!"

The old man sighed. Then grinned wickedly and laughed like a madman. He had just thought of a diabolical scheme and now he had the perfect idiot to go ahead with it, and if he failed well at least he would be rid of Hercules once and for all. "I have just the thing for you, young Hercules. Await here!"

With speed his old bones normally couldn't manage, the old man whipped out a quill and parchment and wrote down in clear, Ancient Greek. "One, kill a Nimean Lion." Because it's pelt was impenetrable, and if he could get his hands on it's pelt he'd like to see someone try and beat him! "Two, Steal the Dragon's Eggs." Yes, baby dragons would make him very powerful. "Three, Turn a city to stone." The only way someone could do this was with Medusa's head, and whoever possessed Medusa's head was almost invincible. Grinning wickedly he wrote down twelve in total, the last three being: "Build a 'Bridge'", for they would have to rob his arch-nemesis Plato, to do this. "Bake a pie." For pies were nutritious and tasty. And finally "Defeat the Hydra," so that he could use it's deadly blood to poison Plato.

"Here you go Hercules! Remember, don't come back until you have completed all of them!" And laughing evilly, the old man slammed the door shut.

"You have my gratitude Wise One! May Zeus favor you eternally!" A random bolt of lightning hit the cottage, and set it alight.

Stupeedoakus ran out the door, screaming wildly as flames scrambled up his beard.

"I will see you later!" Hercules waved at him, as he dived into a lake. The blonde man walked back to where Cleon and Raipicus were hiding. "Friends, I have good news. The Wise One has given me a quest with which to prove my birth as a Son of Zeus!"

Raipicus snatched the paper from him, and began reading the quest over. "Wow Hercules, these sure sound really difficult. Maybe we should just do number eleven. Like baking a pie is so easy and pies are nutritious and tasty!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! A son of Zeus does not do what is easy!" He snatched back the scroll, and started sweating as soon as he remembered something. He couldn't read.

"Hercules, are you okay?"

"You're sweating buckets man."

"A son of Zeus also knows that time is very important. We'll just skip to number twelve."

"Excellent idea!" Raipicus declared. "I mean how hard can killing a Hydra be?"


	3. Bandits-The Adventure Story's Clichee

Hercules, Raipicus and Cleon were walking through Ancient Greece in search of the Ravenous Hydra. It was very, very hot in Ancient Greece. While they marched forwards they passed three hundred Spartans marching in the direction of Athens. Hercules waved joyfully at them, proud to see that Greece was full of other warriors, even if they weren't as powerful as he was.

"We'll soon be at the Isles of the Dragon, I'm sure some dragon there will be able to tell us where the Hydra lives." Said Hercules.

"This is ridiculous man. I think we should just head back to Athens. Marching non-stop didn't prove you were the son of Zeus last time."

Hercules bristled. "Yes it did! My endurance was so great that-"

At that moment Raipicus let out a girlish scream. "Bandits!" He yelled, cowering behind a tree.

Cleon gave the faun a look. "Really? Bandits? Every adventure needs to have bandits, doesn't it?"

"Arrr! WE be bandits!" Yelled a stooped man. He was hunchbacked, and had many yellow teeth, and was at that moment brandishing a dagger.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Yelled the collection of bandits.

Hercules glared at them. "And I am a Son, no! THE Son of Zeus! My name is Hercules. Please give me your names before I beat you all up."

Two more bandits stepped forwards. One small and ugly, with a humongous wart on his nose, the other gigantic and muscled, with golden earings.

"I am Phocos." Said the hunchbacked one.

Raipicus burst out laughing and elbowed Cleon in the ribs. "Phocos, get it?"

"I am Gorgos." Said the dwarvish bandit.

"And I am Horos." Said the big one.

Raipicus laughed all the harder. "Horos-get it?"

The bandits glared at the faun. The other ones (for there were many bandits) didn't give their names, for they knew this cruel-hearted faun would taunt them.

"Who are you?" Said Phocos, their leader.

"I am Hercules. This is Cleon, and Raipicus."

It was the bandits turn to laugh out loud. "RAIPICUS, GET IT?"

The fauns eye twitched. He curled his hand into a fist. "GO GET THEM HERCULES!"

Immediately, healthbars appeared above the bandits head's, and video game music began playing in the background.

Hercules charged forwards and in one punch obliterated a bandit's healthbar. He uppercut another one, who lost half health, and was promptly grabbed and thrown at the others, earning Hercules a Pentakill. Horos brought his fist down on Hercules shoulder, dealing massive damage. He was the next to be oneshotted by our blonde hero.

"RUN!" Shouted Phocos, who began running towards a small cottage none of them had noticed before.

"Don't let them get away Hercules!" Raipicus shouted as encouragement.

Hercules grabbed an unconscious bandit by the leg and threw him into the cottage, straight through the window. Phocos screamed very, very loudly as Hercules charged forwards, obliterating his healthbar in one punch and sending him flying into the cottage. The bandits all attacked Hercules at once, but with a powerful shake of his head his long hair smacked fifteen of them into unconsciousness. The last one standing was Gorgos, who looked like he was going to piss himself. Screaming like a girl he ran inside and banged on the door. The door burst open in the unlucky Gorgos' face, revealing many more bandits squeezed inside. Laughing like a villain, Hercules charged forwards into the cottage, slamming the door shut behind him. What followed were many violent sounds, screams, broken glass excetera.

Raipicus grinned and charged forwards as well, throwing the door open. "Good job Hercules! We sure wiped the floor with them. Oh my, those are some sexy shoes."

Sitting on a table were a pair of glowing golden sandals with wings on the sides. Cleon came into the cottage, frowning at the destruction. "Do you think we went a little hard on them?"

"Not at all." Said Hercules. "I haven't even warmed up, yet."

At that moment, a small figure with a full head of curly, black hair, kicked down the door, wielding a pair of flaming gauntlets. "DIE THIEVING SCUM! THE WHOLE OF MOUNT OLYMPUS IS GONNA WATCH _ME_ BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF _YOU_ FOR STEALING MY SHOES!"

* * *

 _Meanwhile on Mount Olympus, the Gods were playing cards..._

* * *

"Hey has anyone seen Hermes?" Asked Zeus, not looking up from his deck.

"He borrowed my Flaming Gauntlets of Fiery Death to get his shoes back from some old man." Answered Aries. "Aaaah fold Zeus. I won this round! Reshuffle!"

With much grumbling the gods reshuffled the deck of cards and prepared to play again.

* * *

Hermes blinked at the sight before him. The faun was staring at his shoes, the blonde man looked like he wanted to fight, and judging from his healthbar, he was very tanky. Good thing these gauntlets gave him armour penetration! The third was a pacifist, this was obvious because Cleon didn't have a healthbar over his head.

"So you're the bandit." Said Hermes.

"So you are." Said Hercules.

There was a quick zoom-in on their eyes. Hercules were blue, Hermes' were green. The Messenger began by putting the gauntlets together and shooting a huge wave of flame at his opponents. Hercules dodged the blast, but still took damage due to being near the source of heat.

"My fridge." Cried a bandit. Some others were crying incessantly.

"Your what?" Asked everyone in the room who wasn't a bandit.

"We sometimes get bored and get ice from the mountain to put in a cupboard." Explained another bandit.

"Why fridge?" Asked everyone simultaneously.

"Because I THOUGHT OF IT!" Yelled Phocos, who's healthbar was slowly regenerating. "AND IT WAS BETTER THAN RIDGE!"

Hercules threw another bandit at him, instantly knocking out Phocos.

Hermes and Hercules then did the eye thing again. "DIE TO MY FIREBALLS!" Many fire balls were launched from the gauntlets, which Hercules dodged easily.

"You're not hot enough to have balls of fire." Raipicus pointed out blankly.

The short man let out a huge roar and hurled flames at his goat half. Raipicus raced out the cottage screaming. Thinking quickly, Cleon grabbed the remains of the fridge and chased after him. It was just between Hermes and Hercules now.

"You think you can hurt my friends and get away with it? Only I get to do that." The blonde man charged forwards, grabbing two bandits as he went and used their bodies to smack Hermes onto the table. The Messenger God frowned. His opponent was indeed very tanky. But his shoes were right next to him and just waiting to be worn.

"Pause." Said Hermes. Throwing off his borrowed sandals he placed his feet into the glowing ones. The wings buzzed and he wriggled his toes as he took off from the air, hovering upside-down. "Now I'm ready." He said with a grin, an extra-large ball of flame appearing between his hands.

Cleon threw the cool water (for the ice had melted) onto his friend, eliciting a sigh of relief from the faun. Raipicus's face then hardened. "I'm going to kill that bandit." He spotted another one of the rogues crawling towards a crossbow, and marched forwards, kicking the bandit in the head, he snatched up the weapon.

"Raipicus don't!" But the faun wasn't listening, and screaming like a madman he charged into the cottage once more. He released the arrow, which connected with the fireball, which exploded and sent it flying straight through the roof.

Hermes glared at his opponent. "So you countered my technique. Well, looks like I'll have to wait for your attack."

Hercules rolled forwards, grabbed a chair and hurled it at the god. Naturally, it missed.

"Ha! You missed!" It was then that Hermes realized that the chair had jammed into his flying gear. With a scream, he fell headfirst, into the floor.

Hercules wasted no opportunity, grabbing the Messenger God by the throat and squeezing hard. Hermes watched as his healthbar slowly went down. To add insult to injury, Raipicus landed a powerful goat-legged kick directly to his face, giving him a matching set of black eyes. Grumbling unhappily, Hermes snapped his fingers and vanished. At least he had got his shoes back!

"Huh. We won comrades. Now we may proceed to find the Hydra-"

"You should ask Dragoon about that. Dragoon knows a girl, who knows a guy, who knows a girl, who may know someone who knows where the Hydra is." A bandit added helpfully, before being half-healthed by a single blow of Hercules.

"Very well. It is to Dragoon that we shall go to then! Onwards, comrades!" The trio raced out of the house.

Hercules smiled. "We won yet another round."

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Olympus..._

"So you got your shoes back." Zeus noted, still not looking up from his intense match against Poseidon.

"Yeah. Those bandits were nothing." Said Hermes.

Athena frowned at him. "They managed to give you two black eyes. Bandits must be getting tougher."

"I suggest we send a plague. How about Black Death?" Suggested Hades, ever eager to take men to the afterlife.

"Is that a plague that affects only bandits?" Asked Hera.

"...Maybe."

"No. It was not merely bandits. It was a dragon!" Bragged Hermes.

"A dragon?" Gasped the Gods.

"Bring it's head!" Roared Aries. "I'm impressed Hermes, you managed to take on a dragon by yourself."

"It was nothing." Hermes waved it away.

"I don't believe you." Said Artemis, who as the Goddess of Nature, knew perfectly well that dragons did not reside in the part of Greece where Hermes' shoes went missing.

"Oh yeah? I'll prove it to you!"

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Troy..._

* * *

Achilles waved his middle fingers up at the Trojan Defenders. "YOU CAN'T SLAY ME! FOR MY HEEL FACES AWAY FROM THY ARROWS! HAHAHAHA!"

An arrow (the one that Raipicus had shot) flew into Achilles' heel, bringing the mighty Greek warrior down to the ground.

"I did it!" Shouted the opportunistic Paris. Instantly the Trojans went into a frenzy, patting him on the back and crying his name out loud incessantly.

Odyseuss rushed over to the side of his ally. "Achilles. It will be okay. You can't die from a heel wound."

"I know...but my shoes are ruined." Sobbed the warrior.

Odyseuss shouted at his men, who rushed forwards and carried away the moaning Achilles on a stretcher.

* * *

 _Back in Olympus..._

* * *

"It was a dragon." Said Phocos.

"A big one." Said Gorgos.

"Gigantic." Said Horos.

"How big?" Demanded the ever-skeptic Artemis.

The bandits all looked at each other.

 _*Flashback*_

 _"Listen here!" Hermes slammed Phocos into a tree. "You're gonna say there was a dragon. And you're gonna say it was a big dragon, you got that?"_

 _*Flashback*_

"They're so stupid they don't know!" Hermes interrupted, grabbing the bandits by the back of the neck. "I'll just dispose of them now. Hehe."

Artemis glared at the Messenger God's retreating back. He was so obviously lying...

* * *

 _Somewhere in the ocean..._

* * *

The Athenian Navy was sailing for Troy, when three men fell from the sky and onto the deck.

"SEE! My prophecy was correct! The gods have sent us these heroes to lead us to victory!" Yelled the Captain, removing his helmet and bowing before the trio. "Oh blessed ones, you now hold command over the whole of our navy."

The three shared a look. "Um what?"

"We are yours to command." The troops, loyal to their general, nodded vigorously.

The three shared another look. Blinked, and then fainted.

"They have commanded us to rest! GO TO SLEEP, ALL OF YOU!"


	4. A Man In Black

"Hercules, do you feel like... we've been walking through Ancient Greece for almost a year?"

The great blonde man snorted. "Don't be ridiculous Raipicus! We've only been at this for three days!"

"Er... more like a week." Cleon admitted, scratching his chin. "Or two. And technically speaking we can't be walking through Ancient Greece- we'd have to use boats eventually because Greece has got a lot of islands."

The three nodded in shared wisdom.

"Why would you even think something so foolish as that?"

The faun shrugged. "I suppose I just feel like we haven't been doing anything really."

"Perhaps it is because your author could not decide what to do with you."

The trio turned towards a new figure, who had appeared out of nowhere. He wore nothing but strange black clothes that did not belong in Ancient Greece, complete with black... eye-things that did not belong in... anywhere! He raised his arms in surrender.

"Please, allow me to explain. You see we are OCs."

"Oh sees?" Hercules repeated. "Who is this Oh and what does she see? Has she been staring at my well-defined muscles behind my back? Because they look better from the front!"

Raipicus shook his head from side to side. "Clearly Oh is a guy!"

"...In that case I'd prefer he didn't stare... but my muscles still look better from the front!"

Cleon placed a hoof on both their shoulders. "I believe our new friend is talking about the Oh Seas. You know, where Oh-dyseus got lost."

"No! OC means Original Character!" Snapped the new figure, who would most likely only appear for this chapter and knew it.

The trio stared at him.

"Do you think he's speaking a foreign language that sounds like Greek but means different things?" The minotaur pointed out.

"Oh! That makes sense!"

"I love that wordplay Raipicus!" Cleon and the faun promptly... high-fived?

Hercules drew himself up to full height. "Very well! As the son of Zeus I shall now translate everything this man says!"

The man facepalmed. "How shall I phrase this? We are nothing but words on a screen."

"How shall I praise thee." Hercules translated. "We are nothing but wasps about to scream."

"Huh, that last one doesn't make much sense." Pointed out his companions.

Hercules shrugged. "I am merely translating. It is likely that this man did not receive a righteous education like we did. We must not judge him by his grammar."

The man glared at Hercules, and smacked him. The blonde's cheek had a red-mark left on it after the blow.

"That hurt very little, and was surely meant as nothing more than a pat on the back." He promptly responded with a pat of the back of his own... which knocked the man off his feet. "Tell us funny man who speaks in a strange language. What is your name?"

"Morphinexusiusexecutuserus." The man with a complicated name spat out, frustrated that his message was not being understood properly.

"He says his name is Morpheus."

"I did not say that! I said my name is Morphinexus-" The man facepalmed. But then he pulled himself together, he had to prove that there was more to this world than others realized.

"He is repeating that his name is Morpheus, the face-palm means that he feels his face is not beautiful enough to be associated with our own ones."

"I am speaking GREEK! STOP TRANSLATING!"

"He says that he is Greek, and wants me to stop trans-latins." Hercules nodded vigorously. "I must admit however, it would seem harsh of me to murder those who-"

The matrix man remembered that, technically speaking, he had some control over the environment. Snapping his fingers he made the whole world go black, effectively silencing Hercules. He was alone with Raipicus, who seemed oblivious to the fact that the whole world had gone dark behind him.

"Raipicus! Did you ever wonder why you were given your name?"

The faun shook his head from side to side vigorously. "Is it because my parents love me very much and don't want people giving me rude nicknames? Like pony-tail? Or goat-feet?"

"No! It is because your creators thought it would be funny to create someone that only speaks in innuendo! And your name should be pronounced Rape-icus!"

The faun glared daggers at the man. "And you're just a rip off of the Matrix! See, I can make up words too! And for the record, my parents don't know what innuendo means either!" He promptly stuck his tongue out at the man.

"Innuendo is not a made-up word! It's an allusive or oblique remark or hint, typically a suggestive or disparaging one."

"Can I get the definition of 'suggestive', 'disparaging', 'allusive' and 'oblique'?"

This was... probably too much effort. Morphinexusiusexecutuserus snapped his fingers again. Raipicus was replaced with Hercules, who was busy admiring his muscles.

Morphinexus- the one with a really long name -turned his full attention to Hercules. "You are nothing but a senseless parody of one of the greatest myths of Ancient Greece! You're just a rip-off of the real mythological Hercules!"

"You mean to say that Zeus had other children named after me." He laughed loudly. "This proves that I _am_ the son of Zeus, for otherwise I would not be standing here now, being called a legend!"

"A myth! Not a legend, a myth!"

"Even better!"

At last the shameless parody of the Matrix turned towards Cleon- he who had most sense.

"And you Cleon- you're so boring the author doesn't know what to do with you! You're not even a rip-off of anything - beyond your name which was stolen-" The minotaur was no longer paying attention and was chasing a pack of butterflies that had appeared out of nowhere.

The world ceased being boring darkness, and once more the three stood before the man in black.

"Don't you get the picture? We're not even pictures!"

Hercules smiled widely, showing off a row of perfect white teeth. "You're right. I am greater than my pictures say I am. What is a picture but a 2D representation of something 3D? There are countless of reasons why one's appearance in real life is more important than one's appearance on one's wall."

At last the man was forced to use his last resort. He ripped free two round pills from what he knew to be pockets but the Greeks did not comprehend. "If you wish to leave this fake reality behind, take the red pill! If you want to forget everything you know about this world, take the blue pill-"

"Are you a doctor?"

"Do you have a right to sell pharmaceutical products?"

"And what are those?" Hercules pointed at the man's strange un-sandalled feet.

"I have been working on these pills you see, so that I can convince people that reality is not what it seems. We are just words, you and I. Take the pill and you shall see."

"So you sell drugs?"

"No! I give them out for free to dispell the illusory world around us!"

Instantly Hercules was enraged. "So you sell drugs to promote your own idealogy? I knew there was something off about you! Drugs are a thing of Hera- my step-mother who dislikes me greatly even though we've never met- and therefore must be stopped!"

Morphi- he did not have time to think his full name before he was being assaulted by the guy. Of course he had expected no less and whipped out... Well Hercules wasn't too sure what it was but it was probably a weapon of some sort. Hercules promptly knocked it out of his hand, grabbed him by the peculiar scarf around his neck and lifted him off his feet.

"Raipicus... For some reason I have a great inclination to say 'dodge this'."

"Don't say it Hercules! It would be unoriginal!"

"You only know that because your author watched the Matr-"

Hercules did not let him finish his sentence and promptly brought his first into the man's mouth. He then whirled them over his head and launched him directly at the sun.

"Say hello to Icarus for me drug-dealer!" Hercules then wiped the dust that had accumulated on his hands (...somehow) and indicated that it was time to continue with a 'men! Onwards!'

The trio walked away happily after that, knowing that even if they were just words written on a screen, they were no doubt the best words on it... Whatever a screen was anyways.

"Hey Hercules?"

"Yes, friend Raipicus?"

"When do you think we'll get another adventure?"

"... Some things ellude even the Son of Zeus."

* * *

 _Footnote: Yes this story's not dead, yes it has almost been a year since I last published this but... I have a bunch of excuses! Which you probably don't want to hear. Also note that from here-on-in The Twelve Great Labours of Hercules is going to shift into... more of a parody of everything. Here, for example, I am parodying the Matrix. I would probably not be doing this if not for RJ by Berserker88 -which if you like the Matrix or Zootopia (or both) I recommend you read- but at the same time I do like the idea of a character that knows he's a character.  
_

 _Hercules, Raipicus and Cleon... probably not as smart as Neo so this is what happens when they are confronted with the truth of their existence._

 _The next chapter or story arc however is pretty well-planned out and probably shouldn't take that long to be written up (depending on my other fics of course). Think Medusa..._


End file.
